|
|
Sunday, September 20th, 2009
| |
1:06 am - Holy Shit
|
|
| Monday, March 23rd, 2009
| |
1:49 am - Guess what?
|
|
| Saturday, November 15th, 2008
| |
12:51 am - Everything
|
Is sooooo ridiculous right now!!!!
Glad to see you all here too~
=).
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, August 29th, 2008
| |
1:43 am - Guys
|
|
I just feel like laughing so hard. That I die. And then come back again. ^_^
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, August 16th, 2008
| |
3:39 am - Who can understand?
|
Leave me be. I would betray the world till the very end. Who can you trust, and who can you listen to? There is only one but yourself. Learn from yourself.
Follow the words of your heart.
Even I, would betray all.
For I am that self fish. With in the misery of all of this, plays a child, who's mischievous intention declare a state of war. Bring down all around and taking from all. I betray all from the shadows. These intention are dark, and overwhelming with greed. That I of all, would be the darkest. To use and betray. The truth stands in plain sight, but only when revealed.
To being to understand, would be to become like one. To understand is implement and to become such as them. Those who can, would most indefinitely become dark and mine alone. To become like this is a extreme. I lurk in the shadows. The midsts of my realm of thought lies within the greed and insecurities of my heart. The heart tells all.
The heart is the point at which you you understand everything. Once these conditions have been met, you shall know the truth which becomes known. The experiences that the heart inherits, ultimate influences the being which has a form of conscious. Starting from the naive stage of the heart, the change of the setting and experience, one has shaped his initial thought. The morals and rules which apply to the world and those which have been taught eventually mix and intertwine in a winding path of destruction where thought, conscious and morals collide into one, shaping the light of the thought, beliefs and trust of ones stance.
Though the mind may still be thinking correctly, the twisted fate of mine has been twisted into a thought process known as "Cynicism". Perhaps I am the most cynical person. As I look down upon people, though its not all. Truthfully. I dont know where I stand. I have used. I have betrayed. I have lied. Perhaps. All experiences of the heart with the understanding of greed and selffishness and ambition lead one to destruction, destroying all that was built, all that was built to support in the first place, leads one to destory onesself in this non sense.
Perhaps. I just abuse. Abuse power. Abuse thought. Abuse. Abuse. Abuse.
Perhaps.
Perhaps.
Perhaps.
Perhaps I am just abuseing myself, pushing the limits of my mind to the understanding of all life.
Perhaps I am not meant to be here.
My existance should not exist.
I have of the utmost thought to destroy all.
Perhaps I am just a raveged person.
Yearing, yearing for something.
Save me oh Lord, who can only be my saviour of this all.
The past of my experiences ultimately define who I am.
What I am trying to say, is that. I have no idea who I am.
I am a multifaced liar.
How does one trust a being who is so multifaced.
Perhaps, humans are all multifaced.
Beleive so that is how it works. As everyone has their own secrets to hold.
If a secret is held, then that face is hidden, from all.
For when it is a revealed that face joins the being, and is permanently seen forever more.
Perhaps I have just been lieing to myself all this time.
Who can show their entirety with out shame?
No one can, for someone who says they can is a liar and should be stoned.
Point of views collide on what is wrong and what is right.
Again, the heart is the key to this agian.
Your heart is what you should trust. You willingness to fight for what is right and what you want should be your motivaton.
For my heart is dark, so I fight with a dark ambition. Not all the time. But a dark ambition always lurks behind the mask of the front.
So I tell all.
How do you present yourself.
For what are you presenting yourself.
Liveing for what?
Can you honestly fight alon side yourself?
The dark and balance the light.
Every beginning has an end.
Fight on.
I break to many trusts. When the truths are released. Who can trust this being?
No one can, for trust is a slender rope.
When broken, it is burned and does not come together so easily.
One must mend both ends and retie the rope together.
One's knot must be as strong as the other, or the trust will slip out again.
Trust broken once can not be as strong as the first trust.
Glass broken once, can not be as strong as the original.
Its repair takes time to mend and its finished gloss is fragile.
Breaking with little tension, trust is broken like glass.
The trust is desired, but who can give that trust?
The need is desired, but who can give that need?
The companionship is desired, but who can give that friendship?
The everlasting partner is desired, but who can assist in all situations forever?
For I am an ambitious man. One who would betray the world to achieve my goals.
In the light of this truth, I am discarded.
I am nothing. I have no worth.
I am a waste. Am I not?
Perhaps many will think not, but how does she feel?
I do not beleive she feels from her heart, and falls on the shoulders of other.
For the heart is the strongest of all things.
For even in all of this destruction that I sew,
could she stand beside me?
Such a greedy man as am I, to not take consideration of anyone else.
Perhaps... I am just being stupid.
But whatever.
I'm tired of talking like that.
I just feel like a horrible person right now.
No, I am a horrible person.
Alot of you may not think so.
Scratch my surface as I've told many.
You'll be surprised.
Only one has seen it all.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, April 14th, 2008
| |
12:29 am - Hahahahah
|
|
| Monday, March 3rd, 2008
| |
6:38 pm - Cooled Down
|
|
| |
4:26 pm - Fuck this shit.
|
sdflk;sdjfl;ksdf
Fuck this shit. I need to break something. I fucking hate this. Fuck this feeling. Fuck. HATE IT.
God Damn. Why.... I'm so Pissed off. God damn. Fuck this shit. THIS IS SOME SHIT ASS SHIT. FUCK IT. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Calvin
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, January 30th, 2008
| |
7:25 pm - Blah
|
|
| Thursday, January 24th, 2008
| |
11:47 pm - Stepping Stones
|
Stepping all over the place now are we? I have no idea what to think anymore. I was just reading up on a bunch of people journals and stuff and man oh man, how I miss everyone from Concordia and North. If only I could stick us all together in a huge school where we could all be friends. Man, everyone needs to get back together again. Like old times. I'm listening to Hardcore music again, brings me back to the scene. I wish I could get back deep into that scene, but a part of me doesn't want to go back, and a part of me wants to dive deep into it again. I probably wont be going back there again. Selling my DJ stuff and what not that I bought over the summer. I wish I had saved my money, but I guess you know, I just had a tendency to want to buy stuff. Oh wells, we shall see what I am going to do from now. I don't think I'll be doing much of that anymore.
Man, so many things are approaching me right now, I feel so anxious about everything sometimes, cause I don't how I am going to handle it all. I try and do my best to take it all. Sometimes its overwhelming, and sometimes its hard to push on, but whatever. I keep moving, and take it as it comes. Just working with it all. I want more money, and I've been doing pretty ok so far, but then something always comes up and I end up using my money. Stupid Insurance and gas and other misc expenses. Somethings I really dont mind spending, and some things I do.
My car is deadish right now. Runs, but its leaking a little to much oil, and you can't drive it far, cause it smokes like hell sometimes.
Now I wish everything is going to be ok, cause I just dont know how things are going to turn out. No one really does, and my gut hurts thinking about it, cause I'm really unsure about the future and everything now. Why is it money right now, thats all that I can feel like that would secure everything. Cause it would, thats why. Blah. Just got to keep moving. I get worried, cause my rents are being a little off with their money lately. IRA and some other things went down last year with taxes and some other things. I've been using my own money lately so they dont have to cover for me. I look at everything they've done for me, and look at all the money they've spent on me. Sometimes, I feel like a leech, cause I want out of the family sometimes, but its nice here, but I can only stand that for so long. I use what I need and then I leave. I barely see my parents anymore. I see them for like less than an hour a day. Its sad really sometimes. Sometimes I see them for an hour. I saw my Dad for a totaly of, none today, and I saw my Mom for a total of, 10 minutes, in which the conversation was just asking her for money for Dinner for tomorrow night and money for my Senior All Night Party. Where'd my connection with my family go? Oh wait, thats right, I closed off most connections with my family. I am the Black Sheep of my family, and I'm destined to pull though with that. I am not who my family thinks I am.
With that, I think to myself, who am I really then? I dont know who I am sometimes. Sometimes, I think, that my mind is a mind in a mind in a mind. With a mind of its own. May not make too much sense, but I analyze everything, to the extent where I have thoughts of why I would be analyzing my own analyzation. That bothers me sometimes, but I guess, it helps me understand myself more, locating the source of my own sadness and pleasure and everything that goes on in me. Sometimes, I am not me. I have many faces sometimes, or maybe, me having many faces, is the real me. Maybe there is no real me. Maybe the fake me is the real me. See what I mean? There I go trying to analyze my own thoughts by adding in another me, who isn't me, but really is me. Ok, so then, basically, I am questioning myself, in where I am questioning my own questions in order to find a "better" answer to my own question that will make sense, and here I am questioning my own answer here. Oh forget it Calvin. You and you, and I am me. Guess I'll just have to stick with that one for now.
Now I'm feeling like an Idiot for typing all that nonsense out. We'll see what I do.
Working hard. Trying to achieve things. My hand twitches at what I have to do. Addicting isn't it?
A new semester is at my feet. You know what that means? Its 1/2 way over. Can you believe it? I'm getting scared now, cause I have no idea what I am going to do. I'm really irresponsible. I doubt myself sometimes. Sometimes I doubt people, but then stop myself, and throw that doubt away, and go with it. If I get hurt in the process then so be it. I didn't doubt you one bit the entire time. I get scared sometimes, but I'm not going to doubt you. The benefit of the doubt applies to everyone until it happens or I find out. Thats dangerous, some people would say, how can you throw your entire trust like that? You know its not going to turn out well. Well guess what? I'm willing to take that risk. How would you know how it is going to turn out if you don't take any chances. This applies for everything. Put everything into it. Wait. Stop here. I dont even know what the heck I am talking about here anymore. Man oh man, that was a rant for you there.
Anyways, back to the new Semester. It should be fun again. Independent Study First Hour, then English, Concert Choir, and Psych. Ah, can't wait to do it all. I wish I still had my Auto C class, but it just wasn't meant to be. That would have been a really fun class to attend. Sounds like its going to be a fun Semester. Finally, I am done with Math and Science. I remember Freshmen year. Its been so long since then. I've had heartbreaks. I've had depression. I've had my share of loneliness. I've had my share of everything probably. I've given so much.
Free me from it all.
I'm excited for the Newsboys tomorrow and Asian Invasion tomorrow. Its going to be so much fun.
What a long post. Rants of the mind are always interesting to type. Ah but I must sleep. Pre-Calc final tomorrow. I do believe that I am prepared for it. I could have been a little better prepared for it. We shall see how well I do tomorrow.
Calvin
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, January 21st, 2008
| |
1:30 am - The past... present... future...
|
Been a while since I actually type something worth while in my blog. This seems to just have flown by. Senior year, college approaches, my grades are slipping, and I sat down and talked with some old friends, mentors, my 2nd parents, and learned much. So much has changed. I'm sad about something, and happy about others. Some friends didn't make it, and some did. I'm sad about my friends who didn't, to think that this would happen to them. Things just dont turn out like they really should. I would never have thought that that would have happened. Its very much too bad indeed that her circumstances are that way. Saddens me much, for things to turn out that way for a dear old friend. I wish I could do something, but there's nothing I can do. Hopefully what she will do will help her out much more that anything else. I really do take life for granted really. I'm scared of the possibilities that could happen. I'm always looking to aim for the best things though. Although, most of the things I aim for are benefiting me. My own ambition. I think this weekend talk with my best friends parents, and everyone else that I got to see, showed me what alot of other people had gone through. What is this really? Sometimes I ask my self what am I doing with my life, but I do see, that asking my self that question is useless. The question is, not what am I doing now, but what am I going to do. What I am going to do is going to definitely be the key in this next couple of months. Think about now, plan for later. Something like that. We'll see what I am going to do. Right now, I am just going to concentrate on school in these next two weeks. I must finish my applications this week and get them sent out. Hopefully everything will turn out fine, I dont know what lies ahead for me, but all I can pray for is the best. Many things are unknown and sometimes I'm afraid, but I keep pushing, hoping for the best, and working with what I am given. May good things come to us all. I'm anxious for my college applications. I've put them off and now I am on a pretty strict deadline. Just have to keep pushing forward. Its almost over. Just a little more. Then I can head off and do what ever more I want to. Independence, Freedom. That feeling is amazing. Not having to worry about anything . Its awesome.
To my love, be patient, all good things come to those who wait. Be patient, with me, and with everything else. I'm sorry for anything that I may have hurt you with. I'm stupid, I know that, forgive me. Dont be rash, take steps little by little, and if you must rush, rush with everything you have. Dont second guess anything at all. I'll be here for you, to take care of you through any circumstance. Anything at all. Push for you goals, and never give up. Take a chance, change it up, spice things up, stay positive, enjoy every moment, I know I do. Dont be afraid~! I'm here. Everything will work out.
To my friends, may good tides come to you all. Hopefully everything turns out for the best, and you achieve what you have aimed for. To my friends who did not achieve what you wanted, I hope that your ambition does not die, and I hope that everything turns out well for you. Dont lose faith, and keep it up. Try something new, take a chance. Go places, meet people. Its the final stage of our youth. Keep sight of your goal and work for it, no matter what happens, keep sight of your goal. Become something or someone. Even if not of significance, become someone who you like. You are who you are. Do not let the opinions of others affect you. You are your own person. Be proud. Be Humble. Be yourself. When times get rough, remember to pray. God answers all. If you're feeling down, try a chance of scenery, when things work against you, kick it in the face. That sometimes works, not guaranteed to fix everything. You bastards who are lazy, get off your ass and get working. Time waits for no one. Its now or never. Time is of the essence. You know who you are~ This applies to anyone who reads this, cause you all are my friends. Take what you want from this and use it, ignore what you dont like, or what you dont want to hear.
To my self and others -
You're stupid sometimes you know that? But keep working hard, make something of yourself and dont worry so much. God will take care of everything. You know it deep inside, you've felt it, and seen it. So dont worry. Keep pushing and never give up. Hold on tight to him/her. Dont let him/her go. Keep all friend in contact, and pray. Keep it all up. Never forget your Ambition. Go crazy. Rave. Party, do what you want. Indulge. Be a little selfish, be alot of selfish. Satisfy your self. Finish unfinished business. Be honest, be loud, be quiet, be stupid. Be happy, be sad, cry, laugh, forget, remember. Do everything, and do it with no regret.
To think that something new approaches.
To think that its been so long since then.
To think at all.
To think about now.
To think.
Calvin
Give me a call or email me
chi [dot] wiz [at] gmail [dot] com
I'm always around.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, December 27th, 2007
| |
12:54 am - This plain of Ice....
|
I dream of a plain of ice...
I feel the presence of "Ice"...
I hear a voice... An echoing voice...
Crushing... Engulfing...
Resounding into the Distance...
Just like Thunder...
I hear a voice
Crushing... Engulfing...
Resounding into the Distance... Just like Thunder...
Brushing against my hand...
Like a delicate flower...
On that plain of ice, I die.
I hear a voice...
An echoing voice...
Crushing... Engulfing...
Falling into my hand...
Just like thunder...
I hear a voice
Far... Near... I hear it resounding...
Now I decide to search...
...To find it, and move onward.
Even if I Die on this plain of ice.
current mood: Everything
current music: Kei's voice
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, December 12th, 2007
| |
8:13 pm - Oh man....
|
|
| Saturday, October 20th, 2007
| |
11:53 pm - Everything.
|
|
| Thursday, October 18th, 2007
| |
9:26 pm - I actually took a survey!!?!?!?
|
|
| Tuesday, October 16th, 2007
| |
2:10 am - No fucking way!
|
No fucking way! I'm lonely. ^_^.
Calvin.
current music: Tour de Japon - Theme of Love - Final Fantasy IV
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, October 14th, 2007
| |
8:31 pm - Speech Recognition.
|
|
Hyundai Excel control, the dolphins give Miss doing it. More than 19 hours to wake up to see only in the auditing side of the region, at the end of this year for their own liking how a finger to see first what has been that it is hard currency, DONMASEN 'minutes and I hoop It is not like the bond and rumored to have been found in any of the insert fitted to his mouth and from home games, this is what I refer to the income of us did the best was the case. Cost is another, down the aisle to retrieve the DAUNDAUN great big gamble, in the event that it can not be used as a practice, and actually there is nothing? If they said, needed time to be found, then out on his body to hand over the two of them are set in the one thing we said last year, you know.
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, October 13th, 2007
| |
11:01 pm - Fine.
|
|
| |
10:50 pm - I'm sorry
|
|
| Thursday, October 11th, 2007
| |
12:45 am - DEAD FANTASY I !!!! BY MONTYOUM!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
thehouseofrave's journal